Captain Kangaroo. Sugar Cookie Cereal and World War Two housing projects

Poor ABS, his life has fallen into the sere and he reminisces about when he was just a callow kid, when he didn't have a choice like this for breakfast.

No, poor ABS was brought up in a World War Two housing project where bad tempered dogs roamed free, yelping wildly, with their blood red matted coats, with their gun shot wounds leaking a yellow-tinted pus and they easily caught the crippled kids and chewed upon the ears of those children physically deformed by Polio and those poor kids were mocked and laughed at by the still-stuck-in-the-fourth grade boys mentally messed-up by Captain Kangaroo who, it turns out, looked  nothing like a Kangaroo, and while Mr. Green Jeans looked like the sort of man who had intimate knowledge of what Captain Kangaroo had in his pouch, back then poor parents were silent about such matters, and us kids were the better for it, but his unimaginative What am I, The Bank of England? Mother only fed ABS this for breakfast and so he feels cheated by fate.

Has ABS been able to eat The Elf on the Shelf, Sugar Cookies with Marshmallows cereal when he was just an irksome lad, he'd have attained unto obesity at a much earlier age than he did.