Evolution. Atheism in a tweed jacket with elbow patches

https://www.nhm.ac.uk/discover/when-whales-walked-on-four-legs.html

Whales were once mammals who stalked the earth, walking on four legs, eating rodents and teeny rabbits and leaving footstool sized stool all over the place which Dung Beatles swarmed upon, forming it into giant turd-balls before rolling the turd-balls away to be buried underground to serve as food for their children.

What, the same shit again for supper, one imagines Baby Billy Dung Beatle complaining but this Evolutionary Fact # 742 is not about Dung Beatles but their much larger once land-loving lunatic cousin, the Pre-Whale.

At some point in time - prolly 25 billion years ago - a bunch of pre-whale mammals were hunting for rodents and teeny rabbits near a body of water, perhaps an enormous pool of urine or an ocean,  when one precocious Pre-Whale had the thought, I’ll bet ya it’d be cool to change into a whale and live in the water and eat krill or baby seals and so it set out on the long time-consuming process of changing its species because a change in species is not an overnight thing as you well know.

The first thing the pre-whale had to do was to figure out how and hell it could breathe easily while swimming in a huge body of urine or, better yet, an ocean.

Me and my kind have been plodding around on land for what seems like six billion years or so and we have always breathed through our noses and mouth but we are going to have to change all of that and breath through a hole in the top of our heads.

Now, all we have to do is concentrate really hard and randomly mutate for six or seven million generations until we can breathe through our nose, mouth, and that brand spanking new hole we will eventually have in the top of our heads and in which those damn birds will prolly keep building nests in until we hightail out to sea.

Once we do that, we can randomly mutate for another six or seven million generations until such time as we can live in water and only use our blowhole to breathe and never open our mouths until such time as we randomly mutate it away so we no longer have a nose or mouth to breathe with but we will keep out mouths solely for eating krill and baby seals.

The easy part was randomly mutating away our feet and replacing them with flippers and fins and what not. That was easy and we accomplished that in, o, about for or five billion years.

And the rest, as they say, is Evolutionary History.


The famous Evolutionary Scientist, Sir Brochan Ferguson “Bum Bum” Tearlarch, Professor of Paleontology and Anachronistic Atheism at Edinburgh University in Scotland, was asked if he believed in the evolution of the Whale? 

Believe, in it? Hell, yes man!! I seen it happen a hunnert times.  And don't give me any of that teleology crap either. Sure, it might seem incongruous that one species changed into another with that change involving millions of intricate and complex changes all advancing in one direction to serve a predetermined outcome but that is just a silly way to try and work God into the explanation for what really are just random mutations and natural selection in that sense that if but one of those million intricate and complex changes were in a different direction then the whole purpose (OK, I think purpose is not quite kosher here) would have come a cropper but Whit's fur ye'll no go past ye and so now will ye buy me a wee dram?