The true meaning of Halloween

Who doesn't remember when America was a kind and gentler place, when Dubya was POTUS, and when he gave his famous fireside chat about the true meaning of Halloween;

Good evening my fellow Americans, immigrants, Hoosiers and spinsters. Tonight I want to tell y'all about the history behind this most magical time of year.

In America, it was in the Courtyard of The Marriot of the Connecticut King, Burger, that it all began.

One dark night, when the Moon was at its fullest, a simple skulking maid named, Holly, started to go lightly through the forest wearing her glass slippers. She had to be at the oasis by midnight when, suddenly, she heard the Hip Hop artist, Rap Nun's L, sing that marvelous song about how two clever Monks, Chip and Dale, learned that the secret name of the angry man with the rumpled skin was, Nessun Dorma, and when he learned that his secret name had been revealed, he began to stamp his feet with such anger that Holly turned into a Cabbage Patch Kid. 

(Dubya paused for a long self-satisfied grin)

Now, Laura and I will be going for a long weekend at Camp Harry and David where the twins will be joining us and we will get out of our gourds and fill them with hot boring maple syrup, just like the Naive Americans taught the Colonial Penn Salesmen to do, and that is how those Laurel and Hardy settees survived that first long and lonely winter in America - by eating toasted marshals.

Good night America, and all ships as sea. Stay safe. Hug your loved ones and may God Bless America. Peace out...